Lately, my life sucks. I have everything about it. I'm a

junior in highschool and have yet to have a boyfriend, my friends all rub

it in my face and it's starting to annoy the hell out of me. I've been

so depressed for the last few months that I've been thinking about

committing suicide at least once a day. My mom won't believe me and won't

take me to a doctor or anything. I just want all the pain to stop, what

should I do?

Dearest Ellie,

I think you are the sexiest lizard on the face of the planet. I often

visit your Live Journal and gaze at your beautiful icon just so I can

see you smile. It would be wonderful to say that I have fallen in love

with you, but alas, since I do not personally know you, I would love to

have sexual intercourse with you. How would you feel about this Iraqi

dictator rubbing Vicks vapor rub all over your back? I have nothing to

offer you but my son's corpses -- not even nuclear weapons. However, I

have a great relationship with North Korea. I say I make you one of my

concubines and together we put George Bush out of office.

What do you say?

Eleanor I was wondering, could you explain 'first base,

second base, ect.' I hear about these all the time in the context of dating

but haven't figured out what they actually are.

My boyfriend has a masturbation problem, is this because I

don't satisfy him? Or because he has an over-load of testosterone?

He's really fuking himself up. I noticed friction burn the other

day.... I'm worried.

Please Help.

if your boyfriend looks at porn, do you take it seriously or

just say "whatever, boys will be boys" ???????????? =^..^= mew

Hi. I'm friends with this great guy. Over the past few

months, I have come to terms with the fact that I indeed have developed a

crush on him over the course of the past 4 years. I stopped caring

about him possibly liking me back (and I also stopped acting all goofy

around him and more like myself). He constantly make fun of me (jokingly)

and always talks to me in the two classes that we have together, more

than he talks to other people. For a few days last week, he acted like

he liked my friends and I kinda got upset. I think he noticed. Lately

I think he's been giving out signs that he likes me. I'm really unsure

how to approach this because a.) i really do like him and b.) he's

amazingly sarcastic sometimes so I wouldn't be able to tell if he's

actually being serious. Oh yeah, I'm also a big chicken. Is there any way

that I could ask him about his feelings (and possibly if he wants to go

out sometime) without straight up saying i like him (since I've al

ready done that and there was no reaction) and the way that would give

me the lesser feeling of rejection and damage the friendship the least.

eleanor! disregard that stupid thing about the teachers that

i sent you. i realize that i must succomb to their evilness. i write

you about scott again. he likes me again. (at least i think so- he's been

staring at me in the fondest way all the time and he tries to hang

around me alot) but i am caught in an awful love triangle. one of my very

good freinds, jenny, is almost in love with scott. head over heels. so

am i. we secretly admire him from the back of the room in language

class. we also both love Orlando Bloom. so we nicknamed scott 'orlando'.

stupid, right? love is stupid. gilbert still likes me and my thoughts on

that are.... ewww. so. if scott goes with me, i'd be hurting both jenny

and gilbert. scott doesn't like jenny and they're just freinds although

he kissed her twice but that was in a game of truth or dare. she says

he's a great kisser. i feel like melted cheese inside when i think about

him kissing. mmmmm. yummie. what do i do to break up the love tr

iangle?

I'm having a hard time deicding where to go to school next

year. Should I go to the school were I can get the best education I can

afford but has incredibly stuck up and mean people, or should I go to

the school that isnt the best education but where all my friends are?

All the people at the school with my friends are all nice too.

hi eleanor. i need to ask a very important question because

otherwise, i could end up hating my best friend. okay. you see my friend

(who i'll call jenny) hates canada and is a republican. otherwise she

is a pretty cool person. i am neither republican nor democrat because i

do not vote but if i did i would most likely be a democrat. i also have

no problems with canada. i am not in love with it but i do not hate it.

whenever she says anything about canada, i usually do a little fake

chuckle and nod. i don't see a reason to be prejudiced against any race,

sex, country, etc. what should i do?

which is better on guys & why? boxers, briefs, none, or

other(specify). same question for girls.

just thought i'd say your advice column is awesome!

anyways, i'm trapped because I have this awesome pretty much perfect

boyfriend. hes nice, polite, goes to church, plays football, etc. the

thing is... i don't know if i like him half as much as i used to. when we

first started goin out all i could think of were other guys! now, its

gotten better but should i break up with him? i dunno if its worth it,

how do i figure that out?

Dear Eleanor,

I dated a psycho, and after we broke up, he insisted that all my

friends were his friends. That's not the bad part- the bad part is that my

friends went along with it! He was aggressively around them in my

place, and even though they claimed/claim to not like him, they wouldn't

tell him to go away! And two+ years later, I'm still fighting the same

battles for their attention. I'm sick of it, and sometimes it makes me

hate them. What should I do to feel better?

My (ex)boyfriend freaked dance with 3 of my friends.(we

attend different schools)We broke up.I am broken hearted and I miss him but

hes dont it more then once.Should I take him back?

Hi ellie. Listen, i have a problem and since i love the

advice you give other people, i was hoping you could help me. anyhoodles,

here it goes. i am single, have been all my life(13 years), and i am

perfectly fine with that. but my friends, however, are not. They constantly

try to set me up with someone who i've never even seen before, and say

"okay he's your boyfriend". Not only is that the dumbest thing i've

ever heard, but it annoys the hell out of me. i've tried ignoring them,

yelling at them, and saying the truth--that i don't need a boyfriend to

make me happy--but they won't stop. they act likbeing single is some

kind of disease. how can i straighten them out without ther being any

bloodshed?

How do I know if my crush likes me? what r the signs?

I'm trying to go vegetarian. but, i dont know how to tell my

parents, or my friends. I've tryed various other things, and they never

worked out. And now i dont want people to think i'm flaky or

irresponsible because i never follow through. Please help me find away to tell my

family and friends, and be able to follow this through.

so. hey ellie...here is my dillemma. wow. i don't know how to

spell that. but. it'll be okay.

anyways...

my boyfriend. eh...let's call him...nick.

we have in a wonderful relationship. and the sex is great. but...now

he's asked me to masterbate with him in bed. now i ask: is this okay? and

if so...how might i do this to his complete enjoyment.

p.s.

and. and much thanks to your earlier advice on my

cheating-scumbag-son-of-a bitch-exboyfriend. i got very good revenge on him he hated the gay

porn. and the tampons were a lovely touch.

if you boyfriend looks at porn, are you supposed to take it

personally or just not worry about it?

a friend is pregnant and doesn't know who the father is and

she's upset that I don't talk to her about it, What should I do.

My boyfriend has a problem. He can't have sex without his

stuffed koala bear on the bed with him. He needs to hold it in his hand,

and trys to make me pet it, it turns him on. What do I do?

I love my boyfriend dearly...but within a month's time he has

all out stopped calling me and wanting to hang which is much different

then the usual calling me 3 times a day deal. Well a week ago he told

me that he is planning on moving to california and he wont pick up the

phone when i call or return my calls... Then when i saw him today he

gave me a look of complete suprise to see me and he didnt say i love you

when i said it to him..he just said ok...what should i do?

alright hun, here i go with more questions for you. see, my

father lives halfway across the country, and twice a year or so i see

him. however, he and i don't get along quite as well as i would like.

Actually, we have to get along somehow, and that's the part that i'm not

ecxtatic about. He's one of those people that i really would have no

intention of being around if we weren't related.

yet i must visit him by law, as well as the fact that i feel as though

i owe him as he is who he is and whatnot. what do i do to make the

relationship easier? should i just deal and get over whatever i feel during

and after visiting? it really has a negative effect on my mental state,

so i'd rather not have to deal all too much. But i really can't stand

it anymore, and he refuses to change. i've changed, as much as i can,

to accomodate differences, but it still isn't what it should be. help.